Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
kevin is now a local weatherman
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.