Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.