Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Carpe DM
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.