The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
the composer
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split