ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.