I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Cat.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.