Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.