Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
You Might Also Like
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
War & Peace
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?