“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Sniffing the broccoli
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart