me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
You Might Also Like
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.