Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
as is their right
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive