My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
You Might Also Like
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Can’t stop laughing
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs