Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.