[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden