Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I think I’m having a stroke
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Thinking about Jeff
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !