Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
No way!
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.