Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
*checks Timeline*…
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years