My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.