forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.