ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*