Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?