Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.