*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.