Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
The Purge: Valentine’s Day