customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.