take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart