sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
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Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”