Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’m too immature for adultery.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Perfect
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston