Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling