It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
True statement👍😏😁
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black