Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.