Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The two types of wives
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.