When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
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How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you