“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
the #horror is real!
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*