I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.