Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
lol
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
So inspired right now.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
marvel comics have peaked
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.