We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
2022 be like
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.