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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
This kid will have a bright future.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.