Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
You Might Also Like
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Saturday
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!