“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
That earthquake could have been an email.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass