Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
New tinder profile pic
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Is this you?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot