*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
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So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”