Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
taking June’s advice to heart
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face