(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Is your wife single?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️