0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*