ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe