* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
You Might Also Like
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh