Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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What made this morning鈥檚 trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don鈥檛 actually own a cat.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you鈥檙e hired
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
A public stoning, but it鈥檚 just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I don鈥檛 really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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1.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Some days you鈥檙e the dodgeball, some days you鈥檙e the face
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 馃檪
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Principal: Bob, you鈥檙e their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there鈥檚 an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we鈥檙e bringing our own geese?