I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Great game to play with friends
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.