People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I mean…but I did
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50